Chasing Cool
My youth was spent “trying to fit in.” I moved 50 times, and while every house didn’t mean I was starting over, the enrollment at a new school did.
I subconsciously thought the way to fit in and make friends was to “be cool.”
This dictated and controlled every decision and even led to some mistakes in my youth and later in life.
I took something that wasn’t mine because I thought it was cool and had to suffer the consequences. I wasn’t crying for attention; I just wanted to be “cool.”
Of course, I instantly regretted it and took to manual labor to seek forgiveness. Yet, I don’t think I learned my lesson because, later in life, I made that same mistake for the same reason. The punishment was more permanent and painful, and I let myself down more than anything. This wasn’t who I was. That intense pain and embarrassment made its mark on my life.
Sometimes, we have to be taught a lesson twice to learn it.
Last night, we wrapped up the kids’ production of Shrek the Musical. It was so timely for me because of where I am and the lessons I am learning.
Rehearsals have been taking place for the last three months. So we have been dropping Juliette and her friends off; typically, another mother picks them up. This is the same production you can see. I volunteered at the last minute for each performance.
There is this song, Story of My Life.
These lyrics were playing in my head when I woke up this morning.
[Pinocchio]
Life is disappointing,
Whoa is what I know.
Outted by my nose,
That’s just how it goes,
For poor Pinocchio.
Story of my life,
Always doomed to fail.
Cheated by a fox,
Swallowed by a whale.
That’s the story of my life, oh yeah,
That’s the story of my life.[Shoemaker’s Elf]
Strife is never ending.…
(Spoken)
Ugly Duckling![Ugly Duckling]
They dragged me from the pond.[Fairy Godmother]
They pulled my magic wand.[The Three Little Pigs]
They blew our condos down.[Guard]
(Spoken)
Wicked Witch![Wicked Witch]
Life is but a witch hunt.[Mama Bear]
Mama’s in the mud,
Mama’s in distress.[Garden Gnome]
They ridiculed my hat.[Three Little Pigs]
They said that we were fat.…
[Peter Pan]
Banished from the town[Guard]
(Spoken)
Ugly Duckling![Ugly Duckling]
They dragged me from the pond.[Fairy Godmother]
They pulled my magic wand.[The Three Little Pigs]
They blew our condos down.[Guard]
(Spoken)
Wicked Witch![Wicked Witch]
Life is but a witch hunt.[Mama Bear]
Mama’s in the mud,
Mama’s in distress.[Garden Gnome]
They ridiculed my hat.[Three Little Pigs]
They said that we were fat.…
(Spoken)
Sugar Plum Fairy![All]
Story of my life.
Booted from ball
Told to go away.[Humpty Dumpty]
Tumbled off a wall[All]
That’s the story of my life.[Guard]
(Spoken)
You’re late rabbit.[White Rabbit]
That’s the story of my life.…
[All]
I always dreamed I’d get a happy ending.[Wicked Witch]
And this right here,
Not how it goes.[All]
I always dreamed I’d get an ever after.
If this is it,
It blows (x3)…
[All]
Story of my life,
All the wasted prayers.
All the broken dreams.[The Three Bears]
All the broken chairs.[All]
All the damage done[The Three Bears]
All the busted beds.[All]
All the shattered falls[The Three Bears]
Pourage on our heads.[All]
That’s the story of my life, yes sir.
That’s the story of my life, oi vei.
That’s the story of my,
Life
Do you see yourself somewhere in those lyrics?
I do.
I have placed myself in different growth-seeking groups and rooms for the last two weeks. A few days ago, I stumbled upon McCall Jones, and her impression on me was profound and went deep.
She asked, “Why is it so hard to be ourselves?”
And she profounded provided the answer, “Every single one of us has something called a ‘two-face.’”
At some point in our lives, every single one of us has been told we are too much of something…
- too big
- too small
- too loud
- too quiet
- too direct
- too shy
- too silly
- too serious
The second that happens, the survival part of our brain tells us we don’t like that feeling. We don’t want ever to feel that feeling again. I don’t want to be rejected. We immediately start to compensate to prove this person wrong. This leads to us no longer becoming our best selves.
This is why you stopped (positively) being child-like. This is how you lose yourself. This is how you stopped being you. This is why you feel like something has been tucked away. This might be why you don’t feel like yourself. This is why you might think something is wrong with you.
But the person who told us we are too much ___________. They were wrong.
You must break your false beliefs.
I don’t remember who first told me I wasn’t cool enough, but I can remember some faces of friends I had before moving away, that I didn’t have when I came back.
I had the gift of growing up without friends. (New thought, so about to ugly cry with this realization, lol.)
I lived in the same city from Pre-K through 6th grade. But when my mom got married in second grade, we moved to a small town on the city's outskirts, and my sister and I started going to a one-building K-12 schoolhouse. Eventually, my parents realized it wasn’t a good fit, and we started riding into town for school each day.
The following year, the school shut down because it was short two students, and that is when the public buses stepped in for the tiny town.
So I went Pre-K through 1st with friends and then moved away.
I returned in the middle of 2nd grade and stayed there until 4th grade. Looking back, I was on the outside, but I was good at school and felt protected.
The summer before 5th grade, we moved to a new town, very far away, where we knew no one. The 5th and 6th grades were still in elementary school in this city.
Memories of this town include having so much fun walking around it. It was safe for my sister and I, and we were rarely supervised. We could walk or bike to the pool each summer day. This is where we held our first lemonade stand. There was a cute downtown walk-up hamburger stand with the best ice cream cones you have ever had; they celebrated May Day by shutting down Main Street. If you want to paint the picture of what this city was like back in the late 90s, turn on Gilmore Girls.
I remember making good friends over that summer inside of a theater program. One boy even asked me to be his girlfriend. This was a first for me. We even rode on the Ferris Wheel together.
Then fifth grade started, and all of the friends I made reattached to their preexisting friends, and I was once again an outsider. Now, my best friends would be books.
Those years were tough. We lived across the street from the jail, and my mom was being stalked by an inmate who knew our every move and detail, who then orchestrated an injury, which led him to appear inside the hospital where my mom took x-rays. He professed what he knew about us, including when our babysitter came to and from our home.
We moved houses again.
Now, we are on the other side of town, away from the activities we attached ourselves to. But that house was fantastic. I learned how to shoot baskets in that home. We had a hot tub and a cellar, and we had the whole second floor to ourselves. It was huge.
Then we moved houses again.
This time, to the country.
This is where the unhappiness manifesting translated into me moving from my mom’s back to my dad’s.
That city I had ‘grown up in” to the friends I thought I knew.
But when you miss out on the last year of elementary school and the first year of middle school, you are starting all over.
I talked too much, was too loud, and was immature. I accepted that I was too annoying. I spent two formative years in a small town, exploring life with my sister, but I left her behind. Now, my best friends would be teachers and books.
Life wasn’t horrible. I was just lonely. I attached myself to anyone who wanted to be my friend, and that led me down a path of being in the wrong room with the wrong people while letting them influence me, leading me farther and farther away from who I was supposed to be. (Edit: My husband says this paragraph sounds like I was addicted to crack, which I was not. Lol. I was just giving all of myself emotionally and emptying, and not getting my cup filled by the right people because I was giving my time and words to the wrong people.)
There is so much more to the story, but over the last year, I have slowly begun to put my foot down to that nasty habit.
Where do you stand?
With love, Jo
P.S. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you. Hugs.
With love,
Jo
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